The Truth About Me
Here goes nothing... I know I am blessed enough to be able to get where I am. I know all might think that there are other people who goes through worst things in life than me and I know that. However, we all have something going on within ourselves. Hopefully you understand where I'm coming from. But I want to shed my skin to show my own struggles. I don't want to be pitied about it. Once you read my story I just want you to be happy for me. We are all harness in different way. I've been hiding this for such a long time and I cannot hold it anymore.
I woke up feeling drained, perhaps I can describe it as emotionally drained. My body feel sore and my head feels light, but most of all my heart feels like its going to explode. I am not sure if I am the only one who feels this, but I think this is where people get there depression when they can't get the hold of themselves. Then I check myself and ask what's wrong with me? Life is good, I know. I am very thankful to get this chanceto be here with the help of a lot of people. However, getting here is not an easy path. God has put me to the test from the day I met him. I never expect that it will be a living constant battle for me, but I'm sure He knows that. Here's the truth about me. Yes, the Ivy that everybody thinks they know.
To others, people might think I'm living the life, that I'm doing just fine. It is not far from the truth. I can say that I am not the only person who work hard for me to be able to see these beautiful places. A lot of tears and blood shed just to put myself in these photos. Every good things I get always have something in exchange for it. The only thing you can't give away is that smile in your face. I am not doing great as you think I am. In every photo I post and every places I've been, it seems like all is going well. I am so thankful that I am lucky enough to be able to see different places, see different countries. It made me feel fulfilled in so many ways. But it is never been easy. It is actually my escape to reality.
I got my chances, but I blew it off!
Behind the camera is the person that somehow doesn't function that well. There are days me and life are in perfect harmony and I get the glimpse of it in the photo. But there are things that camera can hide, or that app we use to hide those scars. Every great pose, smile, videos I made make it seems like I'm having a good life, but behind those is a broken human being, a broken me.
"Show me your worth?" that's the usual sound I hear everywhere. I felt like all of the world was yelling at me. I keep seeking people's acceptance, I become obsessed for seeking approval and what other thinks about me that I lost myself. Maybe, I never accepted myself in the beginning. I never approve of myself, you know those words 'I hate myself' can have an impact to your being? Words have the power to destroy and build life. But like most things, they have shadow side. They can deflate, defame, diminish and demoralize. Every time I look at the mirror I see a horrid person looking back at me and from that thinking I'm already hurting myself. Hateful words to yourself can really harm you. I hid that broken me and just show what was valuable to other people. I am also on that state that I want to have a "valid human experience." I constantly saying to myself I am not worth it and the reasons are tons of it. A note to myself.
I am a failure. My childhood was okay. My father made sure that we have a roof in our heads, meal in our tables, clothes to warm us up and since it was just me and my brother we get the toys we want and we also learned not all the time we get what we want. My parents thought us those words yes, no and wait. Whenever he comes home from another country the family is complete everything is a delight for us. I grew up going to church, going to Sunday school, manage to enjoy every street games. My childhood could have been great until my innocence were taken from me. Yes, my childhood become a nightmare. I grew up taking it with me, we moved thinking leaving everything behind to start a new life and that time my parents have my little brother so living in my aunt's back house is no longer good for a growing family.
I'm happy that's what I thought.
I hid that inside me, from child to adolescence I thought everything goes against me. I become a silent rebel; not all the time me and my parents are great. I always thought I never been a good child, but I never knew the restrictions of my parents and since there's a trauma from my childhood I started hating myself. I wanted to escape, sometimes I cannot sleep, I felt becoming a prisoner of my own past. That's where I started to seek for another person's approval. We move from Manila to Cavite and finally found a place where we can call home.
I met my friends in high school and up until now they're still a friend. We didn't start that way though. They find me different. They thought I am someone that is not good. Girls will always be girls.
I was in highschool when I met Jesus it just get more challenging from there and then on. I thought I can just kick the dust under the carpet and that's it. No that's where it begins. When I was in my teens balancing my walk of faith and my struggles in life was even harder. I find a church, I become a member and part of the music ministry.
However, I cannot fully grasp what it meant by 'surrendering yourself to God' or 'take up your cross and follow me'. I'll tell you honestly, I got insomnia from nightmares, from high school to college. I hurt myself and even thinking getting rid of myself. There's a point when I was so angry at God, because when I realize I never wanted any of this I even blame him for not taking me away when I got sick. I know it will hurt my parents. Yes, God gave me another chance to live, I almost died to a disease when I was 4 years old. I know God doesn't want me to give up. I cried at him one night and realize I have to forgive to be able to forget. I have to let go of what I'm holding grudge against and let Him take in control. My relationship with Him is up and down. I feel like I'm just putting that facade for other people when I cannot even help myself.
Then there was college it was fun, stressful, lots of pressure, lots of peer pressure and my world got a little bit bigger. My circle of friends got wider. But the teenage angst in me surpass the depths of shallow. I started drinking alcohol during those years, I hid that from my parents and I always thought that drinking alcohol is against the Bible. For me to be able to get hold of myself and not give in to any negativity and pressure of college I embrace music, I join an organization, I embrace my nerd in me, I hangout with friends, I do whatever I want in the shadows. I felt happy in that circle and made me forget the struggles within me.
Their presence made me believe that I'm acceptable in different ways. No judge at all. I always wanted to be with them. They make me feel secure and wanted.
I'm living the life with different Ivy. Ivy with friends who loves anime, Ivy who loves music, Ivy the good child when at home, Ivy the outgoing during the years in college, Ivy the good one when in Church. The struggle is real.
I'm a disappointment. Whenever I get into an argument with them I am not sure if my reasoning are
right, but since I'm living in their house, I have to follow rules. My parents have a huge contribution as I grow up. I never understand that until now. They thought me a lot of things in life and about life. I tried to please my parents and make them happy. I love them through my bones, never did I hate them even though we don't get along sometimes I know they only want good things for me. I tried to study hard so I can finish the degree they chose for me. I want them to be proud because they work hard for it and I manage to bear fruit to their labor. That's the beginning that I have to prove something for my worth, I started to seek approval
I got my degree by 20 years old. Time to face a new world. Getting a job after college is not easy, but since it is my responsibility as a grown up person and have to give my gratitude to my parents I have to try harder. I failed in a lot of interview that I fail getting a job. My English aren't that good, so my parents enrolled me to study English Proficiency about a month, while looking for job.
Another fruits to their labor I got my first job at Cebu Pacific. It was good, it was okay. I made friends, I work according to my shift, I even have to rent a place near my job so I don't have to commute back and forth to Cavite, until the salary is not enough for me to help the family. I decided to quit my job.
My parents wants me to work to another country or work to the ship, I also want to get a good salary so I search job after job that will take me to another country. Sending resumes, attending interviews. I start attending training, but since my experience are not enough to apply where my father works.
I have to find another job that will cover that experience. I got hired at Meidoll's Cafe. Since I'm so into Anime I have to act like one. Maid cafe is very popular in Japan, it is popular to everybody who watch anime. When I started to work there I got my share in the lime light of fame. I was in the TV, news paper and even magazine. We always have gigs everywhere, it just make things harder for me though. Again I have to rent a place near my work, the bad part is the salary is much smaller than my previous job, but I have to take it for the experience I need for me to get in the cruise line industry.
We made mistakes in life, we made wrong decisions in life. I hurt and use people in my life.
to be continued...
Behind the camera is the person that somehow doesn't function that well. There are days me and life are in perfect harmony and I get the glimpse of it in the photo. But there are things that camera can hide, or that app we use to hide those scars. Every great pose, smile, videos I made make it seems like I'm having a good life, but behind those is a broken human being, a broken me.
"Show me your worth?" that's the usual sound I hear everywhere. I felt like all of the world was yelling at me. I keep seeking people's acceptance, I become obsessed for seeking approval and what other thinks about me that I lost myself. Maybe, I never accepted myself in the beginning. I never approve of myself, you know those words 'I hate myself' can have an impact to your being? Words have the power to destroy and build life. But like most things, they have shadow side. They can deflate, defame, diminish and demoralize. Every time I look at the mirror I see a horrid person looking back at me and from that thinking I'm already hurting myself. Hateful words to yourself can really harm you. I hid that broken me and just show what was valuable to other people. I am also on that state that I want to have a "valid human experience." I constantly saying to myself I am not worth it and the reasons are tons of it. A note to myself.
I'm happy that's what I thought.
I hid that inside me, from child to adolescence I thought everything goes against me. I become a silent rebel; not all the time me and my parents are great. I always thought I never been a good child, but I never knew the restrictions of my parents and since there's a trauma from my childhood I started hating myself. I wanted to escape, sometimes I cannot sleep, I felt becoming a prisoner of my own past. That's where I started to seek for another person's approval. We move from Manila to Cavite and finally found a place where we can call home.
I met my friends in high school and up until now they're still a friend. We didn't start that way though. They find me different. They thought I am someone that is not good. Girls will always be girls.
However, I cannot fully grasp what it meant by 'surrendering yourself to God' or 'take up your cross and follow me'. I'll tell you honestly, I got insomnia from nightmares, from high school to college. I hurt myself and even thinking getting rid of myself. There's a point when I was so angry at God, because when I realize I never wanted any of this I even blame him for not taking me away when I got sick. I know it will hurt my parents. Yes, God gave me another chance to live, I almost died to a disease when I was 4 years old. I know God doesn't want me to give up. I cried at him one night and realize I have to forgive to be able to forget. I have to let go of what I'm holding grudge against and let Him take in control. My relationship with Him is up and down. I feel like I'm just putting that facade for other people when I cannot even help myself.
Their presence made me believe that I'm acceptable in different ways. No judge at all. I always wanted to be with them. They make me feel secure and wanted.
I'm living the life with different Ivy. Ivy with friends who loves anime, Ivy who loves music, Ivy the good child when at home, Ivy the outgoing during the years in college, Ivy the good one when in Church. The struggle is real.
I'm a disappointment. Whenever I get into an argument with them I am not sure if my reasoning are
right, but since I'm living in their house, I have to follow rules. My parents have a huge contribution as I grow up. I never understand that until now. They thought me a lot of things in life and about life. I tried to please my parents and make them happy. I love them through my bones, never did I hate them even though we don't get along sometimes I know they only want good things for me. I tried to study hard so I can finish the degree they chose for me. I want them to be proud because they work hard for it and I manage to bear fruit to their labor. That's the beginning that I have to prove something for my worth, I started to seek approval
I got my degree by 20 years old. Time to face a new world. Getting a job after college is not easy, but since it is my responsibility as a grown up person and have to give my gratitude to my parents I have to try harder. I failed in a lot of interview that I fail getting a job. My English aren't that good, so my parents enrolled me to study English Proficiency about a month, while looking for job.
My parents wants me to work to another country or work to the ship, I also want to get a good salary so I search job after job that will take me to another country. Sending resumes, attending interviews. I start attending training, but since my experience are not enough to apply where my father works.
I have to find another job that will cover that experience. I got hired at Meidoll's Cafe. Since I'm so into Anime I have to act like one. Maid cafe is very popular in Japan, it is popular to everybody who watch anime. When I started to work there I got my share in the lime light of fame. I was in the TV, news paper and even magazine. We always have gigs everywhere, it just make things harder for me though. Again I have to rent a place near my work, the bad part is the salary is much smaller than my previous job, but I have to take it for the experience I need for me to get in the cruise line industry.
to be continued...
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