The Feeling is Just Absurd

"girl" by kalkulations

I've fought with my own feelings, fighting in the battle I don’t even know if I’m going to win. The danger were I put myself into is just to accomplish the dream to have someone who will protect me, love me, and understand me; a person who will never let me go, living in his warm arms, wipping the tears I’m shedding and mending my heart every time he bid a smile. An intent I want to keep for my own sake. When I realize that I’m bringing the fool out of me since the start; I felt the awkwardness of my selfish acts. I blame no one and I don't know if I have the right to say its my fault. Not that I only want to loose it but I also want everything about the feelings to vanish. I’ve had enough of the rejection, the sleepless night that haunts me (most of the time); the feeling isn't just not normal even though it is the most wonderful thing in this world, but it only cause negative vibes in my veins. I admit I become blind were thoughts tell me it will change soon, of that someone will notice me someday. I’m just disillusioning myself to make the hurt go away, for me to feel better. But in reality it didn’t, so I fell on my own trap and get stuck, stuck to the feelings I thought it was real. Now, I’m the one who’s in pain in the end. But I never put a period on it instead I choose, choose between the dream and the reality, choose between me and that someone, I’ve got to CHOOSE, CHOOSE, CHOOSE!!! Since I’m standing now in the real world this is my chance to explore that world, the world I want to see, the places I want to go and my adventure I want to reach without someone holding me back from it (Not generally). I can’t say I’m alone; there will always be friends around to tap with (future friends). I have to leave the feelings, leave what I have left behind and face the countless opportunities in the future (but of course the left behind is something to learn and keep with, but no longer to dwell with ^^,). So this is my hope, I might lost the battle, but I learn to stand this is not my battle. Surrendering doesn’t mean I’m weak is just the way of telling my self this is not my victory; there’s always more battles ahead. This time I shouldn’t let my guard down. I’ve become a coward and just stick to my comfort zone, afraid. Not anymore. I’ve had enough; I went out knowing the adventure that awaits me. I can no longer put my heart at stake! Don’t want to be stupid anymore (maybe most of the time stupity can reasonable), and I will never ever face the floor again, but instead look up, plant my feet on the rock, and face that future with a smile and healthy heart... (This just an advisory. uuhm Not really! I love takoyaki ^^,)