A Story Book of My Nightmare

"dream within the dream"

Chapter 6

Interrogation Dream

Do the lesser we think, do we started to be stupid? Or just stow out and run from it? For me it depends, I’ve been on some situation and did different kinds of things to surpass it. I didn’t get the chance to run away or even hide. All I always do is go straight ahead without even thinking. So these dreams either become my reality to be questioned, an obstacle, a test paper, a pop quiz of my life WHATEVER! Grinding my head for an answer that I don’t even know how to answer, so much for my nightmare. I can relate it to a song Violet Skies sang by In this Moment. Talked about dreams and realities. "Dulling from within to find a reason for it allLost for yearsIn the stormWaiting for the rain to stop me from washing me awayI held on tightAwaiting nightAnd I lay me down to sleepAnd find a world where I was freeImagine a placeWhere dreams lead the wayAnd all of your colors fade the greyImagine the dreamNow close both your eyesFall into the violet skiesDeep inside your eyes it showsYou've been lost for too longOut of touchOn the edgeI promise you will find a wayI found a pathway homeI'll carry youYou're not alone" Wishful thinking, confession, or just sleep to erase everything and face a new day again. But according to the song imagine a place where you can be free or a place where it can lead you somewhere. I’ve dreamed of my own world, a perfect world. That’s my great escape, my feelings between the lines. I’ve believed. Life doesn't end in death. God knows what road I should walked in, now it falls on my decision, but I won’t know it not unless I do it. I talked to my discipler,she’s the wife of our pastor. I agreed to what she said, we can never feel any satisfaction or contenment in our entire life; that's what I felt every day and every moment. And for me life seems to be always at its end after a very long day. The hours of my sleep is like my own death and there is my heaven and hell My Dream. We, somehow always feel the needs of more. I must say she's terribly right. I consider myself as no contenment person that I have the eager to do or have more. I’ve been facing many obstacles for the past few years, struggles in life to know at the point of it hey! I'm alive and still trying to. That's the thing similar to the events I encountred in this life, my own physical & emotional survival then my spiritual survival. At this any rate I shouldn’t give up there some instances the three clashed and I can feel it, then the decision will enter. The twinge is exaggerated itself yet overwhelming at the end.Whenever I sit or lie down in my bed with the book in my hand and a song played at the stereo that makes an eerie feeling, I moved on I like it that way or just watch a movie to kill time. Theres always a sudden flash back my life especially during the time when I was young. Well I already dominated the fact that it is done and that I’ve already moved on, still I’m going to share it anyway. I’ve got lot to tell but I don’t know if I’m going to open it up so I’ll say it in a different way. Little by little I shared my tragedy on those people I know I can trust with. My younger years are the drakest ever in my life well there’s another one but I’ll stick up to the other one im telling right now. That is my elegy and misery. I am born normal but I got sick and almost die when I was four thank God I’m still alive and wrting this. I grow up normal, happy, playful, painting a smile, making friends, learning, opening my eyes to the world. I still remember how I enjoyed my childhood together with my family and neighborhood-family like. I felt cared and loved by people surrounds me. Everyday they cuddle me and play with me, dolls, street games, a lot, but there's always some thing that will hurt me and like everyone says storm is always on its way. I thought I’m just hallucinationg but a terrible thing really happened to me and every moment of my life I regret it, I hate it, I have that anger in my heart, because of it. A dark room created; I build my comfort zone and hide in it, trying to be normal that nothing happened and I never cared at all, because I’m afraid, in my inner most self are scared when things such hard to explain, tears just flow, like two trucks crashed. Every moment I hope for death to come. WORST and painful. I grew up with that scar. It start to haunt me when I was in my adolscent stage, I felt an entire world jump at me. For years I thought it was just a dream, a nightmare, but I’m wrong. That I seem to make my own different world within me, a big lie who I’m not just to be save. Crazy it seems, but its true. And it began to break down and I can no longer continue. I became helpless, depress, sad, and lost. But to continue to live, I’ve burst out and get angry with God and I let Him hear my cries. I met a friend, through her, I realize that even in the darkness someone will drag you out, then you’ll notice your walking in the light. I am truly saved. However, it didn’t end. My nightmares, my dark past continue to hunt me till I enter college and it got worst. I admit i’m also been a bad influence and been intimidate by the world I even used it as my excuse. Much more sufferings I encounter. I forgot the brighter side, even I grief upon the name of the Lord, I thought that moment He turned away. The worst nightmare ever! How will I find the exit if in my self I’m already hindering to find it? I seek, and still believe. I chase, try to find the answer I know it was there. It takes me a lot of time to be shakened up. One by one the answer pop out to my head. I conqured my fear and try to share it with my discipler. I can see to her face that she was shocked about what I’ve been through, she share with me some things for me to cope with those events in my life. I tried to release it. But the fight is still on going. While I was doing this I think I just only make it in here on the age of 20 to realize that theres a big world out there and I need to discover more. I wonder what will happen next? I just need to interrogate with it.