Moment of Silence

There are definitely sharp pain in my chest, I usually wander out and build myself a wall of good words for running away and ignoring things, hiding from everyday torment. I'm an idiot, I guess the biggest one alive. I feel the hurt the moment I saw it and been drift from where I'm standing. Scared I might lose something precious to me. Most of the time I am a no-good-human and I'm probably the cruelest of all for being selfish, wanting it for myself without thinking it's part. I don't want mistake again yet it seem I keep hurting that "it". Again the fear part, all I can mount out is just a big breath of sigh and cover my face with my hands.

There are times that I'm so scared to live I turn my back on everything, whispering so poor excuses that I'm the first not to believe in them. My fear to be hurt prevents me from living and making my dreams reality.

I want to cry but I can't; there are no reason for me to feel the urge of crying. Stone hearted! What a bluff! I tried to make the pain go away by stopping it from beating, but how? I'm just a ridiculous person without a soul. Tormented by my own doings, conscience scream so loud I can't barely stand it anymore. All I want is for them to be happy, make them happy. That is my choice even I want to sacrifice my own happiness for their sake, cause I want to see them smiling for I feel joy inside and I'm content with that. Who cares anyway? I'm not like this before and somehow I hate what I've become, but I have to accept who I am right now and follow other's advice: love yourself. I am doing it.

It was like I were part of nothing, without a proper place in the world that kept going on all the same...

Inside I'm like a little girl crying in the corner trying to get an attention just to be held, to feel sorry for, to feel pitied. How pathetic of me I'm always been like that, but now why am I being so weak? It is always been like this and why bother feeling sorry for myself?

I feel like time is flowing away at high speed and I have nothing in my hands at the end of day. I feel anxious, about nothing. About all. About me.

Silence, all I want to hear is good silence. When I close my eyes all I want is...

All I really want is some peace... And all I really want is some comfort . .

I'm trying to be part of the world. Through small steps.. It's never easy to face the novelty of things, at least for me.