Vegetable Soup: A Happy-Gloomy Mundane
Monday Fever! It's my rest day. Are we having a nice Monday so far? If you manage to wake up come and think of this... You are blessed by another day in your life! I miss blogging and it seems I will have time doing this, more updates and I'll manage to tell more stories. Today I'll make something out of my mind and just form it according to what I see every day in my life. The difference of people's lives... I want to run-away and never look back. I want to walk, a long walk where my heart will find peace, any where will do. I need it, I don't want to feel the loneliness...
I NEED A TIME-OFF!!!!!
The past days aren't the same as I knew it would be. I'm trying to make things or do things in my way that I shouldn't, it's beyond my comprehension! Everything seems pushing me to the limits. I can't or I can barely move. Is it just me? or I'm just having issue? There's this fear in my heart that I shouldn't trust, my mind goes in a separate way from what my heart says and they don't get a long well. I'm trying to make amends and it feels that inside of me are so empty. I'm being crushed inside and I'm trying to get a hold of it.
'This is not always about me!' that keeps ringing in my head like I'm being hammered. I knew that! Someday, there's going to be a lot of people will tell that to me. Maybe because I'm not what they're expecting. It should not be always about me... I know... I just need care and to feel that even through my worst I am accepted. I've under go a lot of bad times, I always stumble and fall, I was being judged, the left alone thing is not an issue anymore. It happens all the time and I don't know if they really accept the ME from the first part to the in-between and if it will last and that's good.
Now... I'm being block! I'm trying to put nice words but the I and the ME part, I'm avoiding it. I should start thinking about others and care to listen, I remember someone told me I'm heartless, cruel, cold like ice. I'm not like that... but there are points that I can't help it. God knows, and I felt bad that I'm not letting Him handle things, that I should be dependent on Him. I think its okay to be sad and cry, its okay to let it all out and shout it out to the world. I'm suffering and still there's smile on my face only few people can see that, only few people can feel that I'm having a hard time. Probably, I'll burst into tears if someone will look me in the eye and says, "It's okay... Stop that half-ass smile of yours and let me give you a hug. Let it all out. I'm here.. I'm not going to leave.. there there.."
I never really show who I am, I'm scared. But, it always go out without me knowing it. The wrecked part of me is in total damage, I'm falling into pieces, scattered and broken. But, in my state I always pray even though I know it can't be renew, still I know it can be healed in time. I don't know what to say anymore and I don't know where to start. I guess I'm back to square one... or I'll start on my bended knees and pray...
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