Monday Mundane: An Early Morning Jitters

I am not sure where will I place myself. I was like feeling a little less of it lately. Today, I feel no inspiration at all, no feelings, no reasons, just a pits of blurry that doesn't make any sense. My mind are purely clouded and my heart won't like to follow either. I feel like a robot, not because they don't have emotions or feelings not like that it bores the hell out of me doing the same thing everyday. There's nothing interesting in a day! It's toxic! Nothing interest me at some point. I get up at morning, shower, work, gym, eat, sleep and repeat. I rarely talk to people here and if I do I only choose which one to talk to, that has a sense out of them. I keep chasing something unreachable and it makes me feel vulnerable at some point. I want to escape for a period of time, want to disappear to a place where I don't have to worry about anything. I have fallen and I have risen time and time again; I am the living, breathing fragments of my own triumphs and tragedies, stitched together through hurt and hope, and yet I feel dull and sometimes I tried to shine. I can still shine. I always believe in the saying "I am my own destruction."
It seems like it.

I'm a luckless romantic in a place for almost lover only exist. A hopeless dream I tend to grasp in my hands. I am trying to love the most imperfect part of myself, that someone I lost before. Why am I being so negative right now? I really hate it honestly. I have this tendency to shut off from the world. I guess this is the after effect of it after all.

I’m a living paradox. I’m not neither of either of things because I am both. I am always floating in between of this and that. As I go through my everyday life, I have learned that I am both too much and not enough at the same time. People leave me because I love too much. I don’t know what they mean by that because as far as I know you don’t count love; you don’t measure it. I don’t expect people to do the same things I do. This is me and that is them. Whatever happens, we still have our own identities. I have to take back what I lost, myself.
I have to learn to be strong. Strength is something that people often see as keeping one’s self together at all times – never falling and never failing. The truth is the strongest people fall a lot and they fail a lot, but they always endure. Strength is gained from trying, it is gained from participating fully in life; it is gained from facing your fears and from persevering, and picking yourself up after you’ve fallen greatly. No two people have the same strength because no two people have the same experience. 

I am not sure if I am making sense right now, but I am going to shut off myself for awhile and just sleep this off.


This is me going to get rid this jitters...

xoxo,

Ivy