Sunday Fever: The Crucial Thing

It's 12:20 AM of Sunday, 3rd of September 2017. I cannot sleep after a huge argument with my husband. I feel like I have to write and share something with such a heavy burden in my heart. I will try to type as much as I can, it's hard to function when you are crying or down. I feel like life is sucking all the things out of me that is why I use the title sweet slice and so on. Life will not be always sweet as it is with a cherry on top. We always say how life is great then turns a horrible nightmare in a snap. 

I will not lie, my life is not always good as it is. I feel like I'm in a game that you have to make a decision then one thing will led to another and so on, the game of life and I end up making lots of bad decisions. Right now, as I sit in the dark corner of the room in a cheap hotel making this, I try to rewind everything in my head, all the memories both good and bad, trying to remember all the 29 years of it. I've always been bad to myself and to every body around me (teary eyes...) I cannot hate God, but sometimes I'm angry at Him. I know He is looking out for me all the time and that I always feel or hear Him say "I told you so..."

There are days that I cannot cope up with myself and to all the things around me, even people. It is the saddest thing, but I tried so hard to keep up an even adjust myself. Sometimes, you don't want to be alone at home or be by yourself.

I thought I learned through all the years. But in this life it is continues lesson that we all know either we don't learn from it or we do. I will tell you honestly I wanted to kill myself or even say such I hate myself and that when I'm so down I cannot help but say that I don't want to live anymore, I will tell you all of that are the most crucial thing you can say to yourself. I feel that I am a burden to everybody and not making things right and every day I just break myself I mean metaphorically speaking. I am scared that I might be on the way to depression and hopefully not. I tried to find ways to make my life brighter and livelier, I believe that God put me to the test to where my limit is. He always say that I will not give you challenges that you cannot overcome and every day goes by I wanted to give up, but at the same time I I don't to disappoint God and every body especially parents I love them so much and missing them everyday. I don't want to hurt people around me. 

I may not be great or good, I have lots of flaws and shortcomings and I am still learning and growing. I always say that I am stronger than this, yet I fail. I just wish that people will see my pain and what I'm going through and it is not easy for me. Every time I'm like this the next day I feel lifeless and I see it and it hurts to be like this it really does. God knows I'm a broken person I hope I won't be judge from it.




xoxo

Ivy